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I will never say that prayer again… Day2

I was just there, blank. Emotionless. There was no rush of pleasure heat from my gut as you would have when your prayer is answered.
There wasn’t a “Thank you Jesus” and there was nothing close to “yes” coming through from my heart, my lips would not even open.
Then he said, “Miss Valentine, I’ll give you time to think.”
Then he asked me to hold on, he went inside and returned with something.
It looked like a book, like a big handout, like a document and asked that I attempt to answer all the questions in there. He gave me a week.
I got home and jumped on my bed, flipped open this book, and there… A whole book containing questions. This document contained almost every possible scenario that you can think of in a marriage situation and I was expected to state what I’d do in every one of those situations.
As I type this, my heart is racing, I’m feeling the fear that rushed through my chest as I read those words.
Marriage is like this?
People go through this?
What would I do if my husband wanted sex and I didn’t at the time? What would I do if he wanted food and I was sick? If he was angry and I was too what would my reaction be? Could I even tell? What was sex? I didn’t even know… My naivety was the worst of it, all I could do was quote Bible portions and recite my text books to pass the exams at school and then return home to cry for bread, sardines and tea, chicken and plenty soup to lick, then I’ll cry for being asked to eat garri, I’d cry till Bro Emmy reminded mum that I was the last born and his personal pet.
This was me. All of me. How on earth would I understand these questions and know the answers to give.
Was I supposed to answer these questions as one who wanted this marriage or not? Did I want to marry him?
These and many more questions waged wars in my heart.
I’d hide it when mum or any of my siblings came in. I started attending to these questions. At night I’d dream of those scenes, I literally played all of them in my head, one after the other. I wanted to be right in the answers I gave. So I spent nights playing them in my head, sometimes I’d cry and sleep off, at other times I’d just dose off. I’d wake up groggy. I had chores to do and mum was a task manager, there was no free time for you to lazy about, so my daytime was occupied and I had one week to return this work.
Eventually, I finished. I went back and gave it to him. I don’t know how my people didn’t notice that I was distraught and distanced. Maybe I did a good job of hiding it all.
I returned my assignment and I remember sleeping and trying to get my mind off how I did in the marriage exams. I didn’t know if I’d pass or not. It didn’t matter if passing meant he’ll marry me or not, one thing was certain, I was done. My heart was not racing any more. It was cold and calm now.
I got occupied with getting admitted to the Akwa Ibom State College of Education, I got the admission and left for the first semester, upon return,a tragic incident visited our family and we moved to another town, I found time and went over to him and told him I couldn’t marry him, my excuse was that we had a thing to deal with. He did not push it. He did not tell me how I did in the exams… I’m not sure what the look in his eyes meant, I didn’t know how to look at someone in the eye, I left immediately.
We never talked again. He was still close to us.
Later on he got married and I believe he’s living happily ever after.
I still hold him in high esteem. However, each time I saw a couple, I imagined the scene they lived just before stepping out of the house. I wondered who was beating someone, who was harsh, quarrelsome, I wondered who was lying, who was mismanaging funds and who was hurting. Happiness was far from those thoughts…marriage was not a favorite topic as far as I was concerned. I moved from respecting the institution to fearing it…

Only recently, I met a family,they redefined marriage in my mind…In a lot of ways I appreciate that experience.

…why did I pray such prayers? Small pikin can worry some people sha🙄

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